i'll livetweet it. #MillyMania

Andy on the imminent birth of his first child (to be named Milly.)

remember that popular pop-punk band, plain white onesies?

andy can turn a trip to walmart to get baby supplies into a party.

you sound like the archetypal driven career woman from any romantic comedy who resists falling in love with Ryan Reynolds at first.

please don't waste my time with drawn-out banter or boring/awkward chats or texts prior to meeting.

See all of us boot people, we tell each other stuff.

This unreasonably fashionable woman walked into the foyer at church and then told me she loved my boots. I said they are from Target. A sacred trust is born.

you carry a spoon in your briefcase? yeah it's my haagen dazs spoon.

everybody knows you can't eat good ice cream with a plastic spoon.

Like a butterfly was about to land on my shoulders then changed its mind and all I get is the slight hint of touch from its wings.

Poor Julia. The tragedy of having a massage therapist sister who lives out of state, and a husband who gives weak sauce massages.

my afterlife for a porcupine

that's quite the bucket list, james.

blackbirds don't want to be primates

communication in our family is like playing telephone, and this is what we end up with.

also, how are a dvd and a broom your top choices for exercise equipment?

in my defense, i was trying to think of things that "don't take up a lot of space." otherwise, i would have included hula hoop.

Anyway, if you were having a party, and you invited "thin mints", how many would you invite, and would you want any other similar guests?

email from my dad

i missed the israel boys and they were only here one day, and i was afraid they were going to kill me.

it's hard to say goodbye to house guests.

hey it's not all rubbing and enya.

geddes is surprised to find out we have "finals week" in massage school.

what is bon jovi gonna say? he's gonna point you out and say, "where are the dolphins?!"

jay tries to get mom and her iphone zippo sorted out.

i like dolphins very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very much. my name is may. ooh yeah.

May: i need a 50-word bio
me: (see above)

what if you had a ginger, a black one, and a midget... which one would you treat the best?

jay plans my future children. and i laugh only at inappropriate things.