i regret not eating more of your mother's klondike bars

I woke up from a nap really angry that the Fresh Prince took a cab all the way from West Philadelphia to Bel-Air

as seen on a startup chat board. and then: "turns out there are several verses missing from the opening to the show, detailing a plane ride. less angry"

what we really needed was more trigger and nutsy. what's their story? how'd they end up guards?

Jason's quest to uncover the hidden truths about Robin Hood.

We don't have any reservations about appearing in public, we can do that. Oh. Yeah. We're Mormon.

Religion prepares you for fame.

well, you have 20 minutes left to propose to him...

Yes, I'd PREFER for him to ask me out, but since nothing you do on Leap Day counts...

i'll livetweet it. #MillyMania

Andy on the imminent birth of his first child (to be named Milly.)

remember that popular pop-punk band, plain white onesies?

andy can turn a trip to walmart to get baby supplies into a party.

you sound like the archetypal driven career woman from any romantic comedy who resists falling in love with Ryan Reynolds at first.

please don't waste my time with drawn-out banter or boring/awkward chats or texts prior to meeting.

See all of us boot people, we tell each other stuff.

This unreasonably fashionable woman walked into the foyer at church and then told me she loved my boots. I said they are from Target. A sacred trust is born.

you carry a spoon in your briefcase? yeah it's my haagen dazs spoon.

everybody knows you can't eat good ice cream with a plastic spoon.

Like a butterfly was about to land on my shoulders then changed its mind and all I get is the slight hint of touch from its wings.

Poor Julia. The tragedy of having a massage therapist sister who lives out of state, and a husband who gives weak sauce massages.

my afterlife for a porcupine

that's quite the bucket list, james.

blackbirds don't want to be primates

communication in our family is like playing telephone, and this is what we end up with.

also, how are a dvd and a broom your top choices for exercise equipment?

in my defense, i was trying to think of things that "don't take up a lot of space." otherwise, i would have included hula hoop.